The Daily Mail list of cancer causes... basically... EVERYTHING!

I spotted this tweet by Derren Brown yesterday and I have to admit it made me chuckle. Some guy started a "The Daily Mail list of 'Things that give you cancer'" group on facebook, stating:

Here is a shortlist of some of the things the Daily Mail think give you cancer. Some of these may sound completely ridiculous, but I guarantee that each one of these are all GENUINE claims made by that informative paper I'm forced to buy for my mother every day for the past decade, probably longer.

I also want to thank the Daily Mail for alerting me (and all middle class mothers in the UK) that cancer is nearly everywhere, because (as journalists working for a tabloid) they are suitable to advise me on my personal health, not stupid doctors or hospitals, ppfftt. I don’t know how I managed to survive before reading their articles on ‘facebook-bullying’ or the evil Muslim people living on my street. Before, I was lost, drooling into my cereal watching Jeremy Kyle like a puny working class person. Now I know to just stay inside, like a hermit, live on pure oxygen and dust particles and generally hate the Labour government, no matter how similar it is to the Tories. May the Queen bless the Daily Mail.

I share this guy's pain. The Daily Mail is solely responsible for my mother stockpiling bottled water and handing me umpteen highlighted newspaper clippings on how prawns are poisonous and wifi will rot your brain. If you want to read his full diatribe click here!

According to this informative and leading authority on carcinogens, the following WILL GIVE YOU CANCER! Beware! (perhaps I shall now hiberate myself up in a hermetically seale, pitch black (sunlight AND artificial light are both apparently very dangerous), cryogenic (don't want to get old, may get cancer) bubble....

• AGE
• AIR POLLUTION
• AIR TRAVEL
• ALCOHOL
• ALLERGIES
• ARTIFICIAL FLAVOURS (Yes, this article resulted in my mother only buying one brand of soy sauce)
• ARTIFICIAL LIGHT
• ASBESTOS
• ASPIRI
• BABIES (better stay childless then!)
• BABY BOTTLES
• BABY FOOD (more reason not to have sprogs!)
• BACON (better become veggie)
• BARBEQUES (not much fun without beer, beef, bacon and chicken anyway)
• BEEF
• BEER
• BEING A BLACK PERSON
• BEING A WOMAN
• BEING A MAN (hermaphredites are definitely screwed then right?)
• BEING SOUTHERN
• BISCUITS
• BLOWJOBS (I'm guessing a lot of women shall be using this one as an excuse after reading this article! HAHA!)
• BRAS (better to have saggy boobs than no boobs?)
• BREAD (there goes the last ingredient in my BBQ burger)
• BREAST FEEDING
• BREAST IMPLANTS (and there goes my chance of pert boobs thanks to no bra)
• BROKEN HEARTS
• BUBBLE BATH
• BURGERS (bit hard to have burgers anyway with no BBQ, no beef and no bread!)
• CAFFINE
• CALCUIM
• CANDLE-LIT DINNERS (hence the broken heart)
• CANNED FOOD (no baked beans with my non existent bacon butty then...)
• CARBOHYDRATES (so no pasta OR bread? I'm going to starve)
• CARS
• CEREAL
• CHEESE
• CHICKEN
• CHILDLESSNESS (hold up, doesn't HAVING kids cause cancer too?!)
• CHILDREN (damned if you do and damned if you don't then..)
• CHILDREN’S FOOD
• CHILLIS
• CHINESE MEDICINE (but not western medcine right? JUST Chinese Medcine...)
• CHIPS (that's the fry up off the menu)
• CHLORINE (and my bath)
• CHOCOLATE (WHAT! F that, I'm eating it anyway! You can take away my meat but you can't take away my chocolate... try it and see what happens!)
• CITY LIVING
• CLIMATE CHANGE
• COCA COLA
• COD LIVER OIL (so not only will you have brittle bones, you'll have dodgy joints, but you'll be cancer free! Whoop!)
• COFFEE
• CONSTAPATION (not much chance of that if all I'm eating is veg!)
• CONTRACEPTIVE PILLS
• COOKING
• CORDLESS PHONES (please god don't let Mum see that one, she's bad enough with mobile phones and wifi!)
• CRAYONS
• CURRY
• DEODRANT (no bubble bath and no deodorant... the world's going to be a very smelly place...)
• DIETING
• DOGS (huh, who knew it... dogs are bad, but cats don't feature on the list)
• EGGS
• ELECTRICITY
• ENGLISH BREAKFAST
• FACEBOOK (I always knew facebook was evil...)
• FALSE NAILS
• FATHERHOOD
• FIBRE
• FISH
• FLIP FLOPS
• FLY SPRAY
• FRUIT
• GARDENS (yes, the outdoors is a dangerous place...)
• GRAPEFRUIT (well, duh... it's a fruit...)
• HAIR DYE
• HAM
• HEIGHT (thank god I'm short!)
• HONEY
• HOT DRINKS
• HRT
• INTERNET
• IVF
• KIDNEY TRANSPLANTS (better to just have no kidneys right? Oh no wait, that won't work...)
• LAMB
• LARGE HEADS
• LEFT-HANDEDNESS (and all those lefties thought they were so clever...)
• LIPSTICK
• LIVER TRANSPLANTS
• MENOPAUSE
• MENSTRUATION
• METAL
• MILK
• MOBILE PHONES (the very reason my mother owns a mobile but never switches it on...)
• MODERN LIVING (quick! Build a time machine... I'll be safe in the 1600's)
• MONEY (ha! I'll be fine then, I don't have much of that one!)
• MORPHINE
• MOUTHWASH (well, if my body's going to hum, my mouth may as well too...)
• NUCLEAR POWER
• OBESITY
• OESTROGEN
• OLDER FATHERs
• PASTRY
• PEANUT BUTTER
• PERFUME (now what am I going to use to mask the BO smell from my lack of bathing?!)
• PICKLES
• PIZZA
• PLASTIC BAGS
• PORK
• POTATOES
• POVERTY (but money makes you ill too! Perhaps the middle classes are safe...)
• PREGNANCY
• RADIOACTIVITY
• RICE (Nooooooooooooo!)
• SAUSAGES
• RETIREMENT
• SEX
• SHAVING (well if men are gonna stop washing they may as well go the whole hog)
• SKIING
• SOUP
• SPACE TRAVEL (can't realistically see me being affected by this one in my lifetime..but nice of them to give us the heads up JUST in case...)
• SUN CREAM
• TALCUM POWDER
• TEA
• TEEN SEX
• VITAMINS
• WATER
• WI-FI (Goddamnit YES my Mum read THIS one... GRRR)
• WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE
• WORKING
• X-RAYS

Seriously, if I took the advice of this entire list, I'd be a miserable (lack of chocolate), extremely grumpy (no caffeine), single, childless, vegan virgin with rather pongy bad body odour and smelly breath! Perhaps someone at The Daily Mail should try avoiding the entire compiled list above for a week and see how they get on? I reckon they'll last 3 days max, probably less thanks to the inclusion of water in the above!

On a serious note,  I know that cancer is no laughing matter. My family has been affected by it just like so many others out there. My father has had lymphoma and whilst he has now had the all clear, I still have a donation campaign running for lymphoma and cancer. Please donate if this post made you smile!

A big thank you to Hugh Davies who created the facebook group and took the considerable time to compile the above list!