He's just not that into you...
I've been reading 'He's just not that into you' after getting it free with Glamour magazine. Now I'm usually a book snob. I don't read girly books. I don't so self help. I don't usually read freebies that magazines use to encourage that last minute airport buy, but after seeing the film I really wanted to see what the book is all about. Every girl who sees that movie identifies with at least one character. Well, if you spent the film gushing and gasping, wait til you read the book. Ok admittedly I've had my fair share of boyfriends, some good some not, so have more chance of ticking a box for each chapter of the book, but I really did spend front to back cover thinking 'my god if I'd read this sooner...'. Seriously, if you're still single, read it. It'll cut out a lot of wasted energy, time and effort on guys who don't deserve it. It got me thinking about all the instances the evidence has been screaming at me to cut loose and I chose to ignore it... so here's the proof, with a few of my own observations added in for good measure.
He cheats on you.
Yes, it's obvious. But I admit, when it comes to affairs of the heart, that squishy red thing that beats a bit faster when he plies the lies on thick rules over the more sensible pink squishy thing to the north. My first boyfriend LOCKING the door when he went to use the internet, accusing me of spying on him when I brought him a cup of tea... huge hint. Him getting out of bed at 2am and disappearing for hours screams cheat... him taking his mobile with him everywhere in case I pick it up and look at it smacks of guilt... coming home unexpectedly to find a girl hiding behind the front door kinda hits the final nail in the coffin for most sensible women... but no, I stayed for 5 years, miserable and mostly in tears, refusing to believe the blatantly obvious. If he's sleeping with someone else, he's not thinking of you, your feelings or your future. He doesn't love you. End of. Lesson number one.
He won't marry you.
Now, the book admits this one is controversial, but as girl with experiences to compare, I'd say it's true. An ex was with me for a year (the most I'll spend on a relationship before deciding to invest anymore time on it or not, because, let's face it, life is short and I'm heading towards my thirties), when the 'where's this going' conversation reared its head. I was told he didn't believe in marriage and would never get married himself. I can guarantee you if he met a girl who knocked him off his feet, he'd have wanted to march her down the aisle quick smart before someone else beat him to it. Having finally found mister perfect, he didn't waste time telling me I was the one. If he doesn't say you are, it's because you're not. Fact.
He doesn't want to be your boyfriend.
Er yes, again, obvious, but it's not always that black and white. I'd been dating a guy for a few weeks and we were getting on great. Things were quite couply, we'd gone out alone and with his friends as a group etc, when he asked if I was seeing anyone else. I said no, as I'd turned down dates when I started seeing him, but he came out with the gem that he wasn't either but may meet female friends for dinner. What he was really doing, was testing the waters and hinting he wanted to see me and other people (which incidentally I'd have been fine with if he'd made it clear from day one rather than saying that he didn't need to go clubbing anymore because he'd found someone special). Talk about mixed messages. This ultimately ended up with me walking away after forcing him to be straight and tell me what he wanted, which was to see me but not be exclusive. If he wants to keep his options open, he's not really that into you. He's using you as a stop gap til someone else comes along. Hold your head up high, say thanks but no thanks, and let him watch your ass walking AWAY. Buh-bye.
He only calls you when he's drunk.
This guy and I had an on off thing which never really went anywhere (and we're still friends) but he'd mostly only call me when he was drunk and want to meet up. He'd say how he only wanted a cuddle and would call and call and call until one night I switched my phone off. He never really called me just to catch up or when he was sober, and sometimes there would be weeks between hearing from him. If he only calls when he's intoxicated, it's because the alcohol has made the self enforced loneliness hit home. Be a friend, yes, but not a real life hot water bottle.
He doesn't want to spend time with you.
Seeing a pattern here? If spending time with you is a chore and he does it to keep you quiet, you have to think, why is he going out with you?? An ex used to always choose a night out with his mates over a night in with me. Ok, yes, everyone needs their 'me' time, but when your boyfriend sees spending a weekend with you as a pain in the ass, he's not really that into you is he? Instead of counting the days, hours, minutes and seconds til he sees you next in anticipation, it's like a count down to a tooth extraction. Not a good sign. Can you imagine how fed up he'd be married to you? Spending every day with you? How fed up you'd be if he puts you second to everyone else? If he can't be bothered to spend time with you in the first 12 months of your relationship, then spending the next 12 years with you isn't going to happen. Cut your losses and cut loose. You deserve more.
He's abusive.
Mister 'I can't keep it in my pants' was a nasty piece of work. Not only did he hop into bed with someone else, he made sure he bashed my confidence to bits to ensure I didn't do the same. A guy who is physically or mentally abusive, doesn't care about you. If he thinks you're that repulsive, fat and ugly, why is he going out with you? Telling you no one else would put up with you, is his way of making sure your self esteem is so low, he'll have you all to himself no matter what crap he puts you through. Locking the door so you can't get out, just so he has a captive audience for his nasty comments is NOT what the love of your life does. Neither is pinning you against a wall by your throat and breaking his fist on the wall as he goes to punch your face. If he tells you you'll never find anyone else, he's lying. There's a big wide world out there and if you truly believe that the odds are that stacked against you that you'll never find ONE person who thinks you are amazing and want to make it their sole purpose in life to make you happy, you're an idiot. Don't believe the lies. And get out FAST. A relationship like that can only head down one road and it won't be pleasant.
He makes no effort with your family.
That age old problem. It's the make or break test for me. If they are totally resistant to going to family functions with you, they don't see a future with you. Ditch them. I've had so many boyfriends who refused to go to any family parties with me, and it always became a big problem. Family is important to me, and if my partner doesn't want to spend time with them as well as me, it's an issue. Mister nasty point blank refused for pretty much all of the five years we were together, which meant I hardly saw them at all as I was brainwashed into doing everything he said. In comparison, mister perfect, my future hubby, moved IN with me and my parents after a couple months of dating, and probably spends more time with my parents than I do. In fact, I hear things second hand from him about what's going on in the family. That's how it SHOULD be. If he isn't interested in impressing your Mum and Dad, he's not thinking about getting their approval for when he decides to pop the question.
He's selfish.
Ok there's varying degrees of selfishness, but when your boyfriend routinely goes to the kitchen and makes himself lunch/a drink/a sandwich and doesn't ask you if you want anything, and happily plonks himself on the sofa tucking into his BLT in front of you, no, that's not tinnitus, it's the alarm bells ringing. You're not on his mind, you're an afterthought. After a night out, I called my then boyfriend to pick me up from Piccadilly in the car (I had to ask for a lift home by the way, he'd never offer), and he asked me to WALK to Green Park so he didn't have to drive all the way into town. Never mind it was 2am and dark and I was alone. If a guy doesn't show concern for your welfare, doesn't call you to make sure you got home ok, or make sure you are safe, he doesn't care about you. Ditch him. Fast forward to the present, and mister perfect not only text me to make sure I got home ok after our first date, he text me from Hong Kong whilst away on holiday for a month when he knew I had gone out clubbing to check I was ok. Impressive!
Bottom line is girlies, if he doesn't call, he doesn't make an effort, he doesn't make you happy, he leaves you confused and upset, makes you miserable or puts you last, he's not the one! You deserve better! Walk away and into the arms of mister perfect. He's out there. Trust me. Read the book!
He cheats on you.
Yes, it's obvious. But I admit, when it comes to affairs of the heart, that squishy red thing that beats a bit faster when he plies the lies on thick rules over the more sensible pink squishy thing to the north. My first boyfriend LOCKING the door when he went to use the internet, accusing me of spying on him when I brought him a cup of tea... huge hint. Him getting out of bed at 2am and disappearing for hours screams cheat... him taking his mobile with him everywhere in case I pick it up and look at it smacks of guilt... coming home unexpectedly to find a girl hiding behind the front door kinda hits the final nail in the coffin for most sensible women... but no, I stayed for 5 years, miserable and mostly in tears, refusing to believe the blatantly obvious. If he's sleeping with someone else, he's not thinking of you, your feelings or your future. He doesn't love you. End of. Lesson number one.
He won't marry you.
Now, the book admits this one is controversial, but as girl with experiences to compare, I'd say it's true. An ex was with me for a year (the most I'll spend on a relationship before deciding to invest anymore time on it or not, because, let's face it, life is short and I'm heading towards my thirties), when the 'where's this going' conversation reared its head. I was told he didn't believe in marriage and would never get married himself. I can guarantee you if he met a girl who knocked him off his feet, he'd have wanted to march her down the aisle quick smart before someone else beat him to it. Having finally found mister perfect, he didn't waste time telling me I was the one. If he doesn't say you are, it's because you're not. Fact.
He doesn't want to be your boyfriend.
Er yes, again, obvious, but it's not always that black and white. I'd been dating a guy for a few weeks and we were getting on great. Things were quite couply, we'd gone out alone and with his friends as a group etc, when he asked if I was seeing anyone else. I said no, as I'd turned down dates when I started seeing him, but he came out with the gem that he wasn't either but may meet female friends for dinner. What he was really doing, was testing the waters and hinting he wanted to see me and other people (which incidentally I'd have been fine with if he'd made it clear from day one rather than saying that he didn't need to go clubbing anymore because he'd found someone special). Talk about mixed messages. This ultimately ended up with me walking away after forcing him to be straight and tell me what he wanted, which was to see me but not be exclusive. If he wants to keep his options open, he's not really that into you. He's using you as a stop gap til someone else comes along. Hold your head up high, say thanks but no thanks, and let him watch your ass walking AWAY. Buh-bye.
He only calls you when he's drunk.
This guy and I had an on off thing which never really went anywhere (and we're still friends) but he'd mostly only call me when he was drunk and want to meet up. He'd say how he only wanted a cuddle and would call and call and call until one night I switched my phone off. He never really called me just to catch up or when he was sober, and sometimes there would be weeks between hearing from him. If he only calls when he's intoxicated, it's because the alcohol has made the self enforced loneliness hit home. Be a friend, yes, but not a real life hot water bottle.
He doesn't want to spend time with you.
Seeing a pattern here? If spending time with you is a chore and he does it to keep you quiet, you have to think, why is he going out with you?? An ex used to always choose a night out with his mates over a night in with me. Ok, yes, everyone needs their 'me' time, but when your boyfriend sees spending a weekend with you as a pain in the ass, he's not really that into you is he? Instead of counting the days, hours, minutes and seconds til he sees you next in anticipation, it's like a count down to a tooth extraction. Not a good sign. Can you imagine how fed up he'd be married to you? Spending every day with you? How fed up you'd be if he puts you second to everyone else? If he can't be bothered to spend time with you in the first 12 months of your relationship, then spending the next 12 years with you isn't going to happen. Cut your losses and cut loose. You deserve more.
He's abusive.
Mister 'I can't keep it in my pants' was a nasty piece of work. Not only did he hop into bed with someone else, he made sure he bashed my confidence to bits to ensure I didn't do the same. A guy who is physically or mentally abusive, doesn't care about you. If he thinks you're that repulsive, fat and ugly, why is he going out with you? Telling you no one else would put up with you, is his way of making sure your self esteem is so low, he'll have you all to himself no matter what crap he puts you through. Locking the door so you can't get out, just so he has a captive audience for his nasty comments is NOT what the love of your life does. Neither is pinning you against a wall by your throat and breaking his fist on the wall as he goes to punch your face. If he tells you you'll never find anyone else, he's lying. There's a big wide world out there and if you truly believe that the odds are that stacked against you that you'll never find ONE person who thinks you are amazing and want to make it their sole purpose in life to make you happy, you're an idiot. Don't believe the lies. And get out FAST. A relationship like that can only head down one road and it won't be pleasant.
He makes no effort with your family.
That age old problem. It's the make or break test for me. If they are totally resistant to going to family functions with you, they don't see a future with you. Ditch them. I've had so many boyfriends who refused to go to any family parties with me, and it always became a big problem. Family is important to me, and if my partner doesn't want to spend time with them as well as me, it's an issue. Mister nasty point blank refused for pretty much all of the five years we were together, which meant I hardly saw them at all as I was brainwashed into doing everything he said. In comparison, mister perfect, my future hubby, moved IN with me and my parents after a couple months of dating, and probably spends more time with my parents than I do. In fact, I hear things second hand from him about what's going on in the family. That's how it SHOULD be. If he isn't interested in impressing your Mum and Dad, he's not thinking about getting their approval for when he decides to pop the question.
He's selfish.
Ok there's varying degrees of selfishness, but when your boyfriend routinely goes to the kitchen and makes himself lunch/a drink/a sandwich and doesn't ask you if you want anything, and happily plonks himself on the sofa tucking into his BLT in front of you, no, that's not tinnitus, it's the alarm bells ringing. You're not on his mind, you're an afterthought. After a night out, I called my then boyfriend to pick me up from Piccadilly in the car (I had to ask for a lift home by the way, he'd never offer), and he asked me to WALK to Green Park so he didn't have to drive all the way into town. Never mind it was 2am and dark and I was alone. If a guy doesn't show concern for your welfare, doesn't call you to make sure you got home ok, or make sure you are safe, he doesn't care about you. Ditch him. Fast forward to the present, and mister perfect not only text me to make sure I got home ok after our first date, he text me from Hong Kong whilst away on holiday for a month when he knew I had gone out clubbing to check I was ok. Impressive!
Bottom line is girlies, if he doesn't call, he doesn't make an effort, he doesn't make you happy, he leaves you confused and upset, makes you miserable or puts you last, he's not the one! You deserve better! Walk away and into the arms of mister perfect. He's out there. Trust me. Read the book!
Comments
I havent started reading it as yet..I am on another book.
But I have been sneaking looks at it ..
The movie was soo awesome.. [That reminds me... I have to get it back from my friend]
I’m afraid to say, the whole blog post was not about any one person. And if any of my exes were in fact now happily married, I’d be overjoyed and hope they found the perfect partner for whom they’d happily go the extra mile for. You learn from every relationship, and if I hadn’t experienced what I had, I wouldn’t appreciate what I have now and realise how rare it is to find. There’s no jealousy involved, no spite or bad feelings. Everybody moves on, and the fact I can blog about my past to me, is testament to that. I have not told any lies, only stated the truth. I apologise if it hurts to read, but no names were stated and any of the stories could be anyone from my past, lets face it, there's plenty to choose from! :)
Mr. Perfect called you to make sure you got home ok after your first date - that's one of the rules of dating to impress the girl and make sure you get a second date right? Genuine concern? Sure but lets see if 12 years down the line, he'll still be calling. Calling you from Hong Kong? Is he checking up on you? And if he does it everytime you go out then isn't that border line obessessive? Or is that you're in an insecure relationship and need the constant reassurance that you are always on his mind. Mr. Perfect is your future hubby and he's told you that you're "the one". Did he say that to his wife before he married her? Wasn't she "the one" when they entered into the sacred oath of marriage? Or was it simply a marriage of convenience. Is it unethical to marry someone for personal gain? Mr.Perfect might not be so perfect after all but at the end of the day if he makes you happy and vice versa then you're onto a winner and you've conquered the first hurdle of a successful relationship. When Mr. perfect becomes Mr. Hubby make sure that he is divorced otherwise bigamy is not such a good thing. Good luck and all the best.
And no he is not obsessive or controlling, he merely knows how to show concern. There is a difference between calling to make sure you got home ok, and telling you not to go out at all. I think you are confusing my current partner with my first.
As for the marital status of my partner, there are no secrets between us, and the bigamy comment was unwarranted. Make digs at me for my opinions if you wish, but do not cast aspersions on my partner if you don’t have all the facts, infidelity is a perfectly sound ground for divorce. But thank you for the closing good wishes, whether they were genuine or not. :)
I too know Erin & think she is a thoughtful, kind and funny person. Her post was light hearted and certainly made me laugh :)
As you said there are two sides to every story. How could you comment on someone’s story when you don’t even know what that was? Yes it is true that our history or failed relationships have taught us that we should approach every one with caution, but don’t accuse someone for the blame of a failed relationship, when you don’t know what their role was. I believe we learn from our mistakes from the past so we can be a better man in the future. I hope you learnt your lessons and be a “perfect” man or girl to your other half.
Of course no one in this world is “perfect”. It is a very subjective view and down to personal taste. When you said calling your girlfriend to make sure she’s ok and showing your concern is “checking up on her” and “obsessive”; it is obvious that you have quite a negative view on showing your passion and how much you care. I am afraid if I were your girlfriend then you wouldn’t even pass my first test.
So not chinese man lol
And I'd be careful about calling me a slapper if you're not prepared to say it to my face... unfortunately for all you 'anonymous' commenters on here, I have ISP tracking, which can tell me which link you clicked on to get here, how often you visit, who you are, and even your location on a map, so if you know me and fancy leaving snide remarks, I wouldn't bother if it's something you wouldn't ordinarily say to me in person.
I am Erin’s boyfriend. I would suppose you are a person who knows me and Erin. I have been very tolerant in the past few days regarding your comments about me and Erin and I would like to express my own view on the matter as I think things are getting out of control.
I had been married before and I can tell you that during my 5 years relationship with my ex-wife, I can cross my heart and say that I am a responsible and loyal husband. Unfortunately she has found someone else and although I am upset with what she did, I feel happy for her to find the one that she loves. I think I do not need you to tell me how good or bad a husband I had been in the past and I do not think you are in a position to do so either!
And about Erin. Just because she had gone through a few relationships in the past does not makes her a “slapper”. Us, family and friends, know Erin is a genuine, kind, and honest person and she's got our full support. I do not think it is any person’s right or position to comment on her past relationship because we do not know the story behind her relationships.
I found it outrageous for you to publicly criticise the personality of us both. Please reveal your identity and if you still have a problem, I would love to talk to you personally.
"You're so vaaaaiiin, you probably think this blog is about you, 'bout you, 'booouuuuutttt yooooooou..."
anyways, points made on both sides, but once it gets a bit more than personal, stops being a good read (you dont see your names being disclosed or anything personal about you, so why go there?). but now its in the open, chi, been married before huh? tell us about it... lol (just kidding).
pea, ur blog is ur blog, so no need to keep on justifying urself. i like to have a good catch up read every so often, so keep on the good work ;)