A very honest blog post
This week we've switched to nutramigen hypoallergenic milk, and her feeds have gotten even worse thanks to its disgusting taste (I tried it myself... it tastes like crap). By 3pm yesterday she'd had 6oz of formula, instead of the usual 10-15oz. Just getting the teat into her mouth and encouraging her to suck is near impossible (she has to be asleep as she refuses to drink awake). If she does suck, the second the milk hits her mouth she pulls away and screws her face up, flailing her arms. I'm exhausted, stressed, frustrated and fed up. I'm also really really worried. I can't go on like this and neither can she. Worst case she's going to end up with a feeding tube. Worrying about her drinking enough to be gaining weight has gone out the window! Now I'm just trying to keep her hydrated. This evening we spent 2 hours just to get 5oz down her. If she drinks anything at 11pm we'll be lucky and even trying to fit an extra feed in at 3am isn't working as she refuses to drink.
Being a mum is not what I thought it was going to be. I was totally prepared for sleep deprivation and lots of crying. I wasn't prepared for a baby that refuses to feed. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter to bits. But I find myself missing how uncomplicated and easy life was before I had her. Every day is a battle with me counting down the hours and feeds until she goes down for the night. Even then it's a mad rush to cook dinner, eat, shower, wash up and then there's still the 11pm feed to get through because she won't drink enough throughout the day to gain weight. I'm beginning to not want to get up in the mornings. I don't want to have to keep fighting to feed her. I find myself getting frustrated and angry with her even though I know it's not her fault. I find myself getting tearful constantly. This is not how I imagined being a mum. I envy all the mums who complain their babies are going through teething, cry or won't sleep. It seems like a breeze compared to the continual stress and worry whether today your baby is going to end up dehydrated because she's still on hunger strike. I'm beginning to feel isolated and cut off from friends because I can't socialise... even a trip to a friends house is out the question now as I can only feed her asleep and it needs to be totally silent to get her to feed. The best I can do is a quick dash to Tescos or somewhere near by so I can dash back home again if she gets sleepy so I can feed her asleep before she drops off completely. I just want her to be hungry! I want her to feed and gain weight and be like all the other babies whose mums complain "he's just so hungry all the time I'm still feeding through the night!". Trust me, that's a blessing.
Guess I just need to vent. No one can help really. Just have to ride it out.
Being a mum is not what I thought it was going to be. I was totally prepared for sleep deprivation and lots of crying. I wasn't prepared for a baby that refuses to feed. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter to bits. But I find myself missing how uncomplicated and easy life was before I had her. Every day is a battle with me counting down the hours and feeds until she goes down for the night. Even then it's a mad rush to cook dinner, eat, shower, wash up and then there's still the 11pm feed to get through because she won't drink enough throughout the day to gain weight. I'm beginning to not want to get up in the mornings. I don't want to have to keep fighting to feed her. I find myself getting frustrated and angry with her even though I know it's not her fault. I find myself getting tearful constantly. This is not how I imagined being a mum. I envy all the mums who complain their babies are going through teething, cry or won't sleep. It seems like a breeze compared to the continual stress and worry whether today your baby is going to end up dehydrated because she's still on hunger strike. I'm beginning to feel isolated and cut off from friends because I can't socialise... even a trip to a friends house is out the question now as I can only feed her asleep and it needs to be totally silent to get her to feed. The best I can do is a quick dash to Tescos or somewhere near by so I can dash back home again if she gets sleepy so I can feed her asleep before she drops off completely. I just want her to be hungry! I want her to feed and gain weight and be like all the other babies whose mums complain "he's just so hungry all the time I'm still feeding through the night!". Trust me, that's a blessing.
Guess I just need to vent. No one can help really. Just have to ride it out.
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