Ho ho humbug!

Things not to do at Christmas when you have kids. Learn from my mistakes people. You'll thank me for it. 

• Elf on the shelf. You're setting yourself up for years of having to move the damn elf and endless searching on Pinterest for more elf ideas. And if your kids are really smart, increasingly inventive ideas of elf antics as you can't sodding use the antics from the year before.
• Or if you insist on doing elf on the shelf, forgetting to move sodding goddamn elf the night before (resulting in mad dash downstairs in a panic before kids come down and having to think of last minute antics including copious amounts of sodding flour, bog roll or sticky tape).
• Lego advent calendars. They seem like a cute idea until it's 7:55am and you need to leave at 8am and your 5 year old is standing at the door refusing to put her coat and shoes on because she didn't get to open today's goddamn door because she spent the whole morning stood staring at the tv with a mouthful of cereal in her sodding vest and tights while you shouted "eat your breakfast and get dressed" over and over and over like a record stuck on repeat.
• Also don't get a lego advent calendar as your evenings will be spent looking for missing bits of said lego because they insisted on playing with the bits and now Stuart the minion's eyes are sodding missing and your 2 year old MUST have him or she just can't go to sleep. 
• Forget to write the RETURN ADDRESS on the letter to santa your 5 year old wrote (yes I'm an idiot), meaning you have to fake the reply and dash to the front door and shove it through the letter box before your kids walk down the front path.
• Pay £15 for them to meet Santa in some 45 minute "magical experience" only for them to be terrified by the big man himself and spend the entire time begging to leave. Save your money and go visit the free budget santa at the shopping center! They don't care or know the difference.
• Spend all year being organised buying stuff "for christmas" for the kids and shoving them in a wardrobe., only to realise in December that your kids now have enough presents to fill a large hatch back, half of which they would have loved in January and now couldn't give a crap about because times move quickly when you're 5 and peppa pig is "so for babies". *face palm*