The mental load
So the other day I posted on Facebook about the female mental load, a condition where women don't switch off and continually run through the laundry list of tasks.
This morning I realised how bad it is. While my husband slept in bed, my 2 year old woke up next to me and demanded to see her sister, so I got up and took her in to her room. Then I went downstairs to get them both milk and toast. While I was down there I thought I should get some laundry on, and remembered the fish tank needed cleaning. I went back upstairs to give be girls their milk, went to get the laundry but got side tracked by some errant items on the floor so put them away. Then I realised I forgot to make bread for SY yesterday so went back down to make that. While I was down there I thought about the plan for today and how were visiting my uncle and the lavender fields for a shoot, and remembered I need to check the camera bag and make sure the batteries are charged, and that SY hates long drives and I've just bought head rest mounts for the kindles so I need to charge those and download some videos on Netflix on them to use later, so I went in to the lounge to make sure those are charged and remembered I still haven't done the fish tank while I drew the curtains. Plugged the kindles in and realised one keeps switching off because it's got no memory so got the laptop out to sort out the problem kindle. Went upstairs and got the laundry and brought it downstairs and put a load on. Went back upstairs to sort the kids out and realised husband is still in bed luxuriously lying browsing his phone, so told him to get the kids dressed as I'd done about a million things while he was laying about. That's all in the space of half an hour!
The mental load IS A THING! And it's almost exclusively a problem for women. Perhaps it's genetic. It's not that my husband is lazy, far from it. He helps out more than most. But the fact is, his brain does NOT work in the same way as mine and he just doesn't see or think of half of the things I thought of or did since I got out of bed this morning. Women think about and do a million little invisible things to keep the family ticking over that the rest of the family don't see or recognise. I remember asking my husband to help when we were in a rush to get out the house for a wedding and him asking what do you want me to do. I remembered the cartoon from the original mental load post on Facebook and how women are basically project managers at home but doing 75% of the execution too, got annoyed, and told him he's a grown man and to look around and use some initiative. So he went and tidied his bedside table............. helpful but not particularly in that immediate moment when the kids weren't dressed, the nappy bad wasn't packed, snacks and drinks weren't prepared and the car wasn't loaded! When we got in the car, I asked him "is the nappy bag packed? Did we buy a card and get money out to put in it for the bride and groom? Do we have snacks packed for the kids? Do we have dinner in the bag for them both? Have you packed their PJ's?" knowing full well it was all done but he hadn't given any of it a second thought. He got annoyed because he know I'd done it all and saw it as me being shirty, but the point was made. It's a prime example of how women end up with the lions share of the household management.
And that's not to say it's not self inflicted. My husband automatically asked "what do you want me to do" because the precedent was set at the beginning of our relationship that I am the task master and he's the skivvy waiting for instruction. Give no instructions and he assumes all is in hand while I silently seethe. The balance needs to change. But the only person who can make that happen is us women. Let go of the reins. Let standards slide. Let them learn. It's tough but the alternative is a lifetime of juggling a million plates until they start to smash!
This morning I realised how bad it is. While my husband slept in bed, my 2 year old woke up next to me and demanded to see her sister, so I got up and took her in to her room. Then I went downstairs to get them both milk and toast. While I was down there I thought I should get some laundry on, and remembered the fish tank needed cleaning. I went back upstairs to give be girls their milk, went to get the laundry but got side tracked by some errant items on the floor so put them away. Then I realised I forgot to make bread for SY yesterday so went back down to make that. While I was down there I thought about the plan for today and how were visiting my uncle and the lavender fields for a shoot, and remembered I need to check the camera bag and make sure the batteries are charged, and that SY hates long drives and I've just bought head rest mounts for the kindles so I need to charge those and download some videos on Netflix on them to use later, so I went in to the lounge to make sure those are charged and remembered I still haven't done the fish tank while I drew the curtains. Plugged the kindles in and realised one keeps switching off because it's got no memory so got the laptop out to sort out the problem kindle. Went upstairs and got the laundry and brought it downstairs and put a load on. Went back upstairs to sort the kids out and realised husband is still in bed luxuriously lying browsing his phone, so told him to get the kids dressed as I'd done about a million things while he was laying about. That's all in the space of half an hour!
The mental load IS A THING! And it's almost exclusively a problem for women. Perhaps it's genetic. It's not that my husband is lazy, far from it. He helps out more than most. But the fact is, his brain does NOT work in the same way as mine and he just doesn't see or think of half of the things I thought of or did since I got out of bed this morning. Women think about and do a million little invisible things to keep the family ticking over that the rest of the family don't see or recognise. I remember asking my husband to help when we were in a rush to get out the house for a wedding and him asking what do you want me to do. I remembered the cartoon from the original mental load post on Facebook and how women are basically project managers at home but doing 75% of the execution too, got annoyed, and told him he's a grown man and to look around and use some initiative. So he went and tidied his bedside table............. helpful but not particularly in that immediate moment when the kids weren't dressed, the nappy bad wasn't packed, snacks and drinks weren't prepared and the car wasn't loaded! When we got in the car, I asked him "is the nappy bag packed? Did we buy a card and get money out to put in it for the bride and groom? Do we have snacks packed for the kids? Do we have dinner in the bag for them both? Have you packed their PJ's?" knowing full well it was all done but he hadn't given any of it a second thought. He got annoyed because he know I'd done it all and saw it as me being shirty, but the point was made. It's a prime example of how women end up with the lions share of the household management.
And that's not to say it's not self inflicted. My husband automatically asked "what do you want me to do" because the precedent was set at the beginning of our relationship that I am the task master and he's the skivvy waiting for instruction. Give no instructions and he assumes all is in hand while I silently seethe. The balance needs to change. But the only person who can make that happen is us women. Let go of the reins. Let standards slide. Let them learn. It's tough but the alternative is a lifetime of juggling a million plates until they start to smash!
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