Selfish
I miss my old life. It's selfish I know, but I do. I miss going out for meals. I miss going on holiday. I miss visiting friends. Hell, I miss leaving the house! I was so desperate to have a child but I had no idea it could be this stressful and this difficult. I don't recognise myself anymore. I used to be so happy, so positive, so confident and sure of everything. Now I'm this tearful, stressed out stranger who dreads getting up in the morning. All my positivity, my love for life, my attitude has disappeared. Makeup? What's the point when you cry it all off and you're stuck indoors anyway so no one sees you. Might as well not bother.
It's just counting... plod plod plod. counting oz of formula... counting lbs of weight gained or lost. Constantly trying to get her to feed or to eat. Constantly worrying if today she's going to drink enough... and when she does its a short lived victory because I don't know if she'll do it again tomorrow. No one understands. No one can really get the despair I feel that it's not getting better, but worse.
I don't like myself very much right now. I don't like my life. I just want things to be easier. Happier. I just want her to drink.
It's just counting... plod plod plod. counting oz of formula... counting lbs of weight gained or lost. Constantly trying to get her to feed or to eat. Constantly worrying if today she's going to drink enough... and when she does its a short lived victory because I don't know if she'll do it again tomorrow. No one understands. No one can really get the despair I feel that it's not getting better, but worse.
I don't like myself very much right now. I don't like my life. I just want things to be easier. Happier. I just want her to drink.
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